my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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