I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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