I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
