She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i out mim tonsoeep
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