I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Two words: blizzard sex
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
