OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
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It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
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I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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