I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Houston, we have a blender
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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