Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
