Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
