just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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