I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
