I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
