Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
