I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
