No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
