mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My vagina just recognized that song.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
