im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
