I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.