Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.