Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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