My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
