i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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