I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
