sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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