i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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