My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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