the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
