My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
