You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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