If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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