he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
