Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
