I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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