he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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