Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
