Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
and i looked up. we had an audience...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You dont lie about slip and slides
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
