i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
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