True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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