you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
