he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
