i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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