i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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