idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
The Olympian is in my bed
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