I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
