I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
