the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
did i just pee glitter
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
