my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i will never coherently bang her
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
