You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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