my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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