I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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