Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
