saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
if i can run in heels then i can drive
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
