Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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