I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
