So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
