Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
