having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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