Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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