good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
